


Am I unforgivable?

by WinchestersUniverse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, angsty, angsty with fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:15:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28977267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinchestersUniverse/pseuds/WinchestersUniverse
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Reader, Dean Winchester & You, Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean Winchester/You
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

Everything began a couple of days ago, maybe more, you don’t remember. You’re just coming back from a pretty rough hunt. The whole way back was silent, tension so thick we could’ve cut it with a knife. Even Sam didn’t dare to speak, not even a word. You were asleep after being patched up, you lost lots of blood and almost died because you being you, you put yourself in front of Dean and got kicked instead of him and it had been very bad. Sam was worried and constantly looked at you from time to time while Dean was focused on the road ahead, his knuckles white, jaw clenched and eyes on fire, almost ready to bust and explode with anger. When he pulled up in the garage, Sam got out and opened the backseat door to take you in his arms before heading to your room as Dean hurried to the library to down an entire bottle of whiskey. And here you are, the next day, in your room, groaning in pain as you get up. You sigh when you hear a light knock on your door.

“Yeah?” Sam pokes his head behind the door and you smile.  
“Hey, you okay?” You groan and he looks at you, concern written all over his face as he takes a sit on your bed before putting a plate of scrambled eggs on your nightstand.  
“I hum, I don’t think so Sam. I mean only a couple of broken ribs but I still feel ba-“ he chuckles and you frown.  
“A couple of broken ribs? Really Y/N? You indeed have a couple of broken ribs yeah but you also lost a lot of blood, took a bullet in your shoulder and almost died.” He smiles sadly at you and you close your eyes, tears rolling down your cheeks as you remember the past events. He wraps his massive arms around you in a tight hug before looking at you.  
“Now come on sweet cheeks, you should eat that, get up and take a shower, you slept through the day, it’s already 3PM.” You nod and he kisses the top of your head before heading to the door.  
“Dean?” Sam sighs.  
“He huh, he’s pissed Y/N. Didn’t say a word since we came back. He won’t talk to me and he’s been drinking all night and day. You know, what you did was incredibly stupid? Heroic but stupid.” You sigh.  
“I know Sam. But, I couldn’t-“  
“I know.” 

He smiles before exiting your room. After your very late breakfast, you head to the showers with your stuff. When you pull your shirt off, you sigh at the sight of your beaten up body, purple bruises, stitches… Hunting, what a life… So after your shower, really not easy one by the way, you take on your pjs and walk back to your room. After tiding up a bit, you mentally give yourself a pep talk and get out of your room to talk to Dean. Maybe he’s not pissed anymore? Let’s see…  
*knock knock knock* You wait a second and come in.  
“Am I bothering you?” He shakes his head and motions you to come in. You close the door behind him and sigh.  
“Look Dean I’m sorr-“  
“Don’t. Don’t say you’re sorry because I know you’re not.” He clenches his jaw, venom coming out of his mouth.  
“You know what? No I’m not. I’m not sorry for saving your ass-“  
“I wasn’t asking you to save my ass! We had a fucking plan and you didn’t listen! Of course you didn’t fucking listen!” He throws his hands in the air, enraged.  
“Of course I didn’t listen Dean! What was I supposed to do?! Sit tight and watch that vamp kill you without doing anything?! No I didn’t fucking listen to you and guess what? I saved your fucking ass!” He strides towards you and slams his hands on the wall on either side of your head making you jump slightly.  
“You were reckless! Fucking reckless and useless! I shouldn’t have taken you on this hunt!” You take a step and slap him in the face and when you look at his eyes, rage seems to have taken control over him, completely. Blinded by fury, he grabs you by your arms and slams you back against the wall and everything goes slow, still… It’s like time slows down until you can see everything on slow motion. His right hand lifted in the air, his murderous look… And then, you see yourself falling on the floor by the strength of the slap you’ve just received. And then the sting on your cheek, and the tears rolling down, and the shocked, hurt, incredulous look on your face as you dare to look at him… Dean Winchester, the man who told you he’d always protect you and had your back just back handed you across the face… With your mouth opened wide, and your hand against your cheek, you dare to look at him through your tears and see a man horrified about what he just did, tears running down his face.

“Y/N-“ You’re too stunned to talk so you just get up and leave his room before rushing to yours, the eldest Winchester hot on your tail.  
“Y/N I- please open the door I’m so so sorry.” His heart shatters when he hears you sliding down the door as you start sobbing. What has he done? After almost an hour resting against your door, he decides to head to the library to drink himself to sleep while you’re crying yourself to sleep… The next day, you wake up with a headache and a hole in your chest since Dean just ripped your heart with his own hand. You quietly get out of your room before heading to the kitchen, smiling to see Sam but stopping dead in your tracks as you spot Dean looking at you, hurt, guilt, anger and disgust in his eyes all at once. He gets up and tries to get to you but stops as you jump and back up to the wall, shaking.  
“Don’t- don’t touch me.” Sam gets up and looks at his brother, a confused look on.  
“What’s-“ Dean takes another step towards you and you fall back.  
“Don’t touch me!” You yell as tears begin to stream down your face.  
“What’s going on?” When you turn your head and Sam sees a light bruise forming across your cheek. Realization comes down and anger flashes in his eyes.  
“Please Dean, tell me you didn’t do that.” He growls and his brother looks down, ashamed.  
“Oh my god.” Sam rushes to your side before scooping you up in his arms. Sam looks back at his brother, very disappointed before leading you to your room as you sob in his arms. Once in your room, he sits you on the bed and kneels between your parted legs before wiping your tears, his heart clenching when you wince as he thumbs at your bruised cheek.

“What happened?” You take in a deep breath and look at him.  
“I huh, after you left my room earlier, I decided to go to D- to him to apologize you know? And- and he was still angry at me so we fought and he yelled at me and he-he-“  
“Shhhh, it’s okay now.” He wraps his arms around you as tears stream down your face once again.  
“Th-thank you Sam.” You squeeze him tight and he puts his chin on top of your head.  
“You want me to bring you food so you can stay here?” You nod and he smiles.  
“Okay then, I’ll prepare you some things, be back in a few.” While Sam is making you food, you wipe your tears and decide to take a quick shower to relax a bit. And while you're under the hot spray, you close your eyes and think. About what happened last night, wondering why and your relationship with the eldest Winchester. You and Dean have a special relationship, a special bond. You are the bestest friends in the world, everything in common, you're Dean in a woman's body, literally. Of course, the both of you know that there is more than friendship between you but neither did anything so far. You met on a hunt, Bobby gave you a number to call for emergency in case the hunt would go wrong and that number was Dean's. You called and they came as back up, since then, you'd tag along and stayed with them through thick and thin. And that was that night, after the hunt that Dean made this promise : Y/N, I promise you that I will always have your back no matter what, I will never hurt you, never...  
Guess he didn't keep this promise. After your shower, you head to the kitchen and join Sam who smiles at you.

“I don’t wanna hide in my room.”  
“I figured yeah. Dean is with Cas in the library.” You nod and take a sit around the table, your head between your hands.  
“You okay?”  
“I want to say yes Sam but I’m not. He- I don’t even know what to say. I- I think I need time to think.” He nods and pops a slice of tomato in his mouth.  
“What did you do to Y/N?!” You look at Sam as you hear the angel shouting in the library before rushing out of the kitchen as you hear a loud crash. When you finally arrive, you see Dean on the floor with a bloody nose and a furious angel. But when Castiel turns to you, his eyes soften and he rushes to you.  
“Y/N!” He walks to you and wraps his arms around you- okay we all know Cas isn’t a hugger but it’s a weird relationship you have with him-.  
“I’m okay Cas, don’t worry. I wanna talk to you alone later.” He nods and turns back to Dean.  
“You are my greatest friend Dean but what you did to Y/N? I am so disappointed in you I don’t even have the words to qualify this act.” And with that, he disappears. While Sam helps his brother, you just stand here, looking at Dean.

“Y/N please, please I’m so sorry I-“  
“Shut up Dean. I don’t wanna hear a word from you. You remember what you told me when we first met? You remember you saying to me I promise you that I will always have your back no matter what, I will never hurt you, never? If you knew how much you hurt me when you did that Dean. Why did you do that?” Tears run down his cheeks at the pained look on your face.  
“I don- there’s no excuse for what I did Y/N I’m- I’m so so so sorry.”  
“You- you-“ You close your eyes and take in a deep breath.  
“You know what Dean? I’m going to tell you what you just lost. We’ve been friends for what seems like an eternity, you were the bestest friend I have ever had, you were the man who was there for me trough thick and thin, you were the man who had my back, who were everything to me. Dean, you were my rock. And-and I loved you. I still do, with all my heart and soul, with everything I got. I’ve been head over heels for you for as long as I can remember but I couldn’t tell you that and you know why so I decided to bury my feelings to see you coming back with a different girl every night but didn’t say anything. When I- when I came into your room, I wanted to apologize for being reckless, I wanted to apologize so you wouldn’t be angry anymore. I wanted, I needed you to just hold me, I wanted to be with you. I guess I shouldn’t have come. Now I’ve lost my brother, I lost my best friend, I lost the man I was in love with and I’ve lost my home.” With that, you take off to your room, praying the blue-eyed angel to meet you there. Meanwhile, Sam helps his brother to sit and sighs.  
“Dude, you really fucked up. Why did you do that? I mean, how?”  
“I-I don’t know, I was angry I guess, really angry and scared, I thought- I’d rather have her hating me than being dead you know? But- but it’s so fucking hard. I fucking hit her man! I wish I could’ve not done that, she- she is everything Sam.” Dean looks down at his feet as his little brother sighs.  
“I know.”  
“What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do without her?”  
“Dean, listen to me. -he looks up- Y/N is going to leave. She is. But only for some time. So I need you to do everything and I mean everything you can to convince her to go back. She’s hurting so she needs some time to collect her thoughts. Dean I need you to man up and tell her how you feel.” Dean looks down at his hands and sighs.  
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

Meanwhile. 

“Cas, you there?” You jump lightly as he pops in your room.  
“Y/N.” Now you can’t hold back tears anymore, you rush to him and crush yourself in his arms as you start to sob.  
“I am so sorry he did that to you.” Cas rests his chin on top of your head as you cry. After some time, you let go of him and wipe your tears away.  
“Can you- can we go somewhere else? I need to go, I can’t be near him right now.”  
“Of course, where do you want to go?”  
“Somewhere sunny? I don’t know, it’s been ages since I’ve been at the beach?” He smiles.  
“I can do that.” You pack some stuff before linking your hand with the angel and poof.  
“Where are we?”  
“Santa Monica, there is a room ready for you in the motel down the street with your stuff in it. Stay here as long as you want, stay safe. If you need anything, you know what to do.”


	2. Chapter 2

“You don’t stay?”  
“No, not right now. I need to do something first. I’ll come later.” You nod. After the angel gone, you head to the motel and get the key before opening and closing the door behind you, sobbing in the mattress as you let out all the hurt you’ve been holding. A little while and a short nap later, you peek through the curtains and see that the sun is still high in the sky and it’s still hot so, you take your purse and a towel before heading outside to take a walk and maybe swim a bit.

Meanwhile, Castiel comes back to the bunker and finds the brothers around the war map, Dean with his head between his hands and Sam looking for something on his laptop. When he makes himself known, the Winchesters look at him.  
“Is she fine?” The angel purses his lips.  
“She’s gone.” Dean’s heart shatters, he knows you were gonna do that… He gets up and snatches the bottle of whiskey before stomping angrily to his room, slamming the door hut behind him. Sam sighs and looks at the angel.  
“Cas, he’s devastated… I mean, you know him, never he’d hit a woman and especially Y/N. He’d rather die.” Castiel takes a sit.  
“Of course I know that Sam, Y/N asked me to send her to somewhere sunny, she wanted to clear her head and be somewhere quiet.” The younger Winchester nods.  
“So I sent her on the west coast, she’s at a motel, I’ll come check on her when I’m done here.”   
“So you’re sure she’s safe and-“   
“She is Sam. I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She seemed pretty shaken up and scared when she asked me to leave.”  
“I know Cas, Dean will have to apologize and do it carefully and I’ll make sure of that. But-“  
“But first, she needs some alone time.”  
“Exactly.” The blue eyed angel nods at Sam before disappearing.

After some sunbathing and a walk around the shops by the sea, you head back to your motel room, chuckling as you find Castiel standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.  
“Cas, you should’ve called me.”  
“I wanted you to relax and clear your mind without me interrupting.”  
“Thanks Cas.” You smile at him.  
“I know I am not the greatest company but may I ask you if you would want to go to eat something?”  
“But you don’t- you want to see if I’m good.”  
“I wanna make sure you’re safe Y/N.”  
“Okay, you’ll have to lose the trench for tonight then.”  
“Why?” You raise an eyebrow and he sighs before taking it off. You take a quick shower and take on some pants, shirt and a flannel before heading outside with the angel.  
“The diner across the street is enough for you?”  
“Of course, nothing better than a juicy burger and some fries.” You lick your lips. After your dinner, you decided to head to the bar and drink a bit. Turns out, Castiel had to carry you to your room. He takes off your boots and jacket before putting you under the covers and kissing the top of your head and disappearing with a flutter of his wings only to join the Winchester boys in the bunker a few hours later. 

“How is she?”  
“I kept an eye on her, we went to a diner and a bar, she’s asleep now. But, even if she smiled and laughed, she really is not okay, I can sense it.”  
“Where is she?” The angel turns around and looks at Dean who’s against the doorframe.  
“I promised her to not tell anything Dean. She doesn’t want you near her and I agree.” The hurtful look on his face makes Cas sigh.  
“Look, what I did is- there’s no excuse for what I did, what I did was- I can’t… I-I love her Cas, I can’t let her go, I need to see her. Please.” Seeing Dean in the verge of tears, he sighs, defeated.  
“She’s staying at the comfort inn in Santa Monica, by the beach. Ain’t got any car, she just likes to walk along the beach and sunbath.”   
“Could you... take me there?”  
“I thought you didn’t want to do that anymore? Last time you said you didn’t poop-“ Dean clears his throat and glare at Sam who’s stifling a laugh.  
“Shut up, it was a long time ago. Now I need to go as fast as possible, I need to see her man, please.”  
“I guess I could do that, pack some clothes and I guess you want to go with the car?”  
“Damn right I do. See you at Baby in 5.” 

-5 minutes later-

“C’mon let’s go Cas.” And with a flutter of his wings, they’re behind a diner.  
“She’s down the street, room 14, I hope you know what you’re doing Dean. You hurt her both mentally and physically.”   
“I know that and I could punch myself for doing what I’ve done.”   
“Anyways, there is a parking lot where you can park your car, she probably will be around the pool even if it’s still a bit early.” Dean nods and parks the car in the parking lot before heading towards the reception.  
“Hi ma’am, I wanted to know if you’ve seen a girl yay high with Y/H/C and Y/E/C. She’s alone, without car maybe and a guy with a trench coat went once with her.” The lady behind the desk thinks and smiles.  
“Of course yes I saw her, she is at the pool I think, right down the corridor, third door on the left.”  
“Thank you.” He smiles at her and follows the instructions that lead him outside by the pool. He scans the place and when his gaze falls on you, he can’t help but looking at you in awe, you’re so fucking perfect. You’re wearing a black bikini and are sunbathing on your towel near the edge of the pool, sunglasses on. He’s hesitant to approach but does it anyway, carefully making his way to you. Meanwhile, unaware of Dean walking to you, your mind is swirling about what you’re gonna do once back to the bunker, the only thought of him reminds you the past events and the hurt and sadness rush back. When you sit back, you heart stops and stomach twists, why the hell is he here? He must have understood you saw him because he stops when you get up. You grab your towel and flip flops before angrily pushing past him, stomping to your room with him hot on your tail. Once in front of your room, Dean calls out your name.

“Y/N!” Your whirl around.  
“What do you want from me Dean?!”  
“Wh-what? I huh noth-“ And with all the force you can manage, you slap him as hard as you can. His heart breaks even more when he sees you starting to sob. Any hit, any blow, any slap or any physical pain, Dean can handle but seeing you in so much pain and that because of him, he can’t.  
“Y/N, I’m begging you just hear me out please?”   
“I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to hear anything from you Dean. You promised me that you’d never hurt me. I hate you.”  
“Please sweetheart, I- please Y/N.”  
“No Dean, leave.” When you dare to look at him, tears run down his face as well as yours.  
“Come on, just- hear me out. Please-“  
“No Dean, I don’t have to hear you out, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to talk to you and I don’t want you to touch me ever again! Now get out!” You sam the door on his face and slide down the door as you start to sob again, Dean’s heart clenching as he hears you. Though, you passed the night with your phone in hand, fingers hovering over the call button on Dean’s contact while he booked a room down the corridor, tossing and turning in his bed as the scene of the fight keeps playing in his mind. The next day, you sigh and rub your eyes as you sit up on your bed while waking up. Your mind still wonder over Dean’s words, sure what he did was and still is unacceptable, unforgivable but he was so desperate, sad and seemed very guilty… And before thinking about anything, you’re already calling him.

“Y/N?” He breathes out.  
“Meet me at dk’s donuts in an hour. I’m giving you a chance to whatever you wanna tell me.”  
“Okay, I’ll be there.” With that, you hang up and prepare yourself for later while Dean does the same but this time, with a little hope.   
And an hour later, you’re becoming nervous as you approach the diner. What does he has to say? You worry your bottom lip as you spot Baby parked. You take a deep breath and push the door before scanning the room, your heart beating faster as you spot Dean, standing and looking at you with a small smile on his lips.   
“Hey.” You smile weakly and nod at him as a greeting before taking a sit. After a few minutes of silence, he clears his throat and you look up.  
“So…”  
“So what?” He takes in a deep breath and closes his eyes before licking his lips.   
“I’m going to let it out like this and just- hear me out okay? No interruption or something.” You sigh and nod before lacing your hands together as you look at him.  
“Okay so hum could- would you agree to come with me in Baby? I’d rather tell you what I’m gonna tell you somewhere quiet.” You nod and follow him to the car. A few minutes later, he puts the car on park in a far corner of a parking lot near the beach. 

“Okay so now, hear me out.” He waits for your nod and you cross your left leg over your right.   
“I huh, what I did is unforgivable and unforgettable. Know that I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. I huh was angry? And hum yeah rather pissed off that you got hurt and I know that you can handle yourself and all but- it scared me. I thought you were going to die and I couldn’t let you die Y/N. I mean, I suppose you don’t remember anything about it but seeing you being thrown into a wall by that son of a bitch and he- he- fuck why did you do that? I mean it was stupid.” After some silence, he goes on.  
“Anyways, even though- I know you can stand your own and all, trust me I know. You’re one hell of a badass chick but- but I can’t help it. I-I feel the need to protect you no matter what and when you’re not safe or injured- it fucking angers me and I lose it and you know what happened.” He breathes out and shakes his head, closing his eyes to keep the tears at bay. You look down at your feet and bite your bottom lip.  
“So, what I am saying is that, I am so fucking in love with you that it terrifies me Y/N. I have been ever since that one time when I came back home with Sam with my ass kicked and you bossed me around. Seeing you like that, it made me realize how deeply in love with you I was. I know the way I act and think is very stupid and I’m a dick but- fuck I’m so desperate I don’t even know what to do anymore. And I hurt you so bad and if I could I would’ve beaten the shit out of myself.” He turns around and looks at you in the eye.  
“I know you don’t trust me and you won’t for a long time but I need you to know that I would and will do everything to gain your trust again, I will start everything over and do everything you’d want me to. So please, come back to the bunker, not for me but please do it for Sam and Cas.” His heart clenches when he sees you cry, you close your eyes and take in a deep breath. 

“Dean I huh-“  
“It’s okay, I know you don’t feel the same but please I need you even if you don’t feel the same, I need you in my life.”  
“Dean of course I love you too, have been loving you since the day I met you-“  
“But?” You smile through your tears.  
“But I’m gonna need some time to accept and deal with what you did. I may, one day, forgive you and leave it all behind but I’m gonna need time. I want to go back to the bunker but I’m not gonna hunt for a while, I’ll stay here and do what I want to do but I will have to do that at my rhythm okay?” He nods.   
“So, I’m going to ask Cas to bring me back to the bunker and you, you’re going to head back home with Baby and think about our conversation and I’ll do the same. I’ll see you in a couple of days okay?”  
“Okay.” He smiles weakly, his breath hitching as you hesitate but caress his right cheek, him leaning into your palm.   
You smile and get out of the car before heading back to your hotel, praying the blue-eyes angel along the way to meet you at your room.

And once your door is open, he turns around and smiles at you.  
“Hello Y/N.”   
“Hi Cas, could you bring me back to the bunker?” He nods.  
“Pack your bags and whatever you need Y/N.” About 5 minutes later, Castiel takes your hand in his and pops you in your room.   
“Thanks Cas.” You hug him before he disappears. You take a sit on your bed and smile as you take in a deep breath. You unfold your clothes before heading outside. Meanwhile, Sam closes his laptop and sighs before getting up, whirling around when he hears some noises. He takes out his gun.  
“Dean? Cas?”   
“Only a little lady here.”  
“Oh my god. Y/N!” He runs to you and crushes you into his chest.  
“Hey Sam.”  
“I missed you so much short stack.” He kisses the top of your head.  
“Where’s Dean?”  
“He’ll be there in a couple of days. I asked him to think about the talk I had with him.” He nods.  
Around lunch, you both sit around the war map and he clears his throat after you told him everything you and Dean said to each other earlier in the morning.   
“So, how it’s gonna be when he’ll be back?”   
“It’s gonna be a hard pill to swallow but in a way, I’m already starting to let it behind. I mean, being a hunter means that I’m not gonna grow old and I can’t let myself- I love him Sam.”   
“I know you do, and you deserve to be happy. I know that what he did is terrible and won’t be forgiven until a long time but you love him so yeah, when he’s back, do me a favor you’d better kiss him.” You blush and bite your bottom lip.  
“O-okay, I huh you know that you’re the best?”  
“Yeah, I heard it a few times before.” You both chuckle. You pass the rest of the day talking with him before taking a shower and heading to bed. The next day, you wake up with a smile painted on your lips. You head to the kitchen to prepare some waffles, pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon along with some PB&J’s. 

“Honey I’m home!” You chuckle as Sam comes into the kitchen from a run.  
“C’mere you giant. Made breakfast and you’d better eat because there ain’t any of your rabbit food anymore, I need to go to the mall.” He nods.  
“Okay miss bossy, I’ll make a list.” He kisses your cheek and helps you to put the plates on the table before the two of you take a sit to eat. Some time later, you take one of the cars in the garage and head out for the supplies before coming back with a sleek black muscle car parked in the garage. You take in a deep breath and take the bags with you before storing them in the kitchen. Once you’re done, you head to Dean’s room and open the door without knocking, startling him. He gets up and looks at you.  
“Y/N? I huh-“ You rush to him and wraps your arms around his neck before pulling him down as you crash your lips to his. He moans into the kiss and closes his eyes as he feels your lips on his, moving in sync with his. When you part, he rests his forehead against yours as he pants.  
“I huh wha- why?”  
“I love you with all my heart Dean Winchester.”


End file.
